Through the Looking Glass

So it goes

2007-04-13T18:37:57Z

Kurt Vonnegut passed away a few days ago. I was surprised at how much the news affected me. I suppose that one reason is because I've become desensitized to celebrity news. I can only take so much information about Anna Nicole Smith's 'baby daddy', Britney Spears' bald head/crotch or Linsay Lohan's drinking before my brain liquifies into some sort of superfluid and leaks out of my cranium.

The other reason is because I realized that Vonnegut was one of the few people that I truly looked up to. If someone was to ask me who my hero was, I'd probably say 'my parents'. There is truth to that answer as I do think my parents did a good job raising me and providing for me, but I do have to admit that my parents had little to do with my career choice or the way I view the world.

When I was in high school, I became interested in some of the icons of rock (particularly John Lennon and Jim Morrison). However, while I found them interesting, I also recognized many faults they had, so I can't say that I fully considered them to be heroes. Even as I became more interested in physics, I never viewed Einstein as the kind of person I wanted to be like; I just thought he was a brilliant physicist. Vonnegut was one of the only people whose viewpoints I agreed with (at a time when I wasn't aware of many people that thought like I did) and seemed like a decent person. If I were to read his novels right now, I doubt that they would resonate the way they did when I was in high school and college. Also, I would say that his place as a 'hero' of mine has been supplanted by Richard Feynman. Despite that, I can still say that Vonnegut was at one time one of my biggest influences and one of the very few that was alive when I discovered him. I was even fortunate enough to hear him speak when he spoke at Colgate a few years ago. Oh and he was in Rodney Dangerfield's "Back to School", so that's +20 awesome points.

So his death allowed me to remember my teenage years and how his works influenced the way I felt about the world and even the way I wrote. I've never been a 'writer', but I do remember writing papers for AP English and using wild, imaginative styles that were inspired by Vonnegut and his propensity to write differently (for example: telling you exactly how the story was going to end in the first chapter). To my teacher's credit, she always seemed to like it any time I'd stray from the cookie cutter way of writing a literary analysis paper. It's too bad that I never had any talent or inclination for writing.

I don't know if I'll ever find an author that will speak to me the way that he did when I was younger, and that makes me sad.

wondering

2006-12-19T20:38:12Z

Do Christian parents that forbid their kids from reading Harry Potter encourage their children to believe in Santa Claus?

Dear South-Eastern Virginia,

2006-09-11T17:29:39Z

Your weathermen seem to be under the impression that temperatures in the upper 70s and lower 80s constitute 'perfect' fall weather. They are wrong, that is perfect summer weather. Also, fall foliage ≠ brown leaves. While I'm discussing weather let me also add that a dusting of snow isn't something to 'tease' for the 11 o'clock news and 1-3 inches of snow isn't a reason to ransack the grocery stores, close the town down or let your car slip and slide all over the road.

Thank you,
A Transplanted New Englander

Youtubery Goodness

2006-09-06T05:47:13Z

I don't have much to talk about right now so I thought I'd share (for all 3 of you on my friends list) some Youtube videos that remind me of my childhood.

The old PBS ID. Just one of those small things that, through repetition, has been etched in my brain. Love the music.

The 3-2-1 Contact! opening and it's an episode about forces and fields. Too bad the clip doesn't contain the entire episode. Yeah, I was a science nerd even as a little kid (as is probably the case for everyone on my friends list). If you can find a clip of The Bloodhound Gang intro, please let me know. Oh, I just remembered! There was a version of the 3-2-1 Contact intro that had a clip from a cow eye dissection episode and it used to turn my stomach everytime. Hmm, can't seem to find that either, which I guess is a good thing since eye operations are still the only things that really gross me out.

The Electric Company intro. I don't remember much about this show other than the intro and the next clip. And yes, that is Morgan Freeman at the 0:30 mark.

sh-**
The second part of this clip is what I remember, and apparently the writers of Family Guy remember it too.

Square One TV. An awesome show about mathematics. I was probably out of the intended demographic when this show aired, but I still watched it many days after school. Want proof of how great this show was? I give you 8% of My Love, a Bruce Springsteen inspired song about percents:

Sorry again, I can't seem to find anything from Mathnet, the math-detective show that would run during the final half of Square One.

Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? Another show that I was probably a little too old to watch, but I can't turn my back on Rockapella just so that I can act my age. If I wasn't too old to be a contestant, I should have applied to be on this show. I used to kick geography ass back in the day.

I was just looking for some Romper Room clips, but I can only find one uninteresting one. I guess it was a semi-local show, which makes sense since I only remember watching it on the New York/New Jersey stations. Ah, but here is something from a CT station when I was growing up. Wow, I forgot how freaky looking TX Critter was.

The Letter People. This one is also pretty obscure. In addition to this PBS show, there were also blow-up dolls that we had in Kindergarten to help us learn the alphabet.

CBS Storybreak. I think this used to air on Saturday mornings. I don't remember much about this show, but I know I used to watch it.

Fraggle Rock. Loved it as a kid. Somehow my parents were early adopters to HBO.

The Great Space Coaster. I have to thank Family Guy for dislodging this memory from my brain. This is another program that my memory doesn't provide more than a recollection of the intro. Well, I do remember this.

Kid's Incorporated
As you can tell from the intro, this show sucked, but I remember this theme song. Oh, and check out the young stars that appeared on this show.

Ok, that's plenty for now. Perhaps I'll make more posts like these, since I really enjoy going through these old clips.

Romance Karma*

2006-08-31T07:24:34Z

A few days ago my mind was wandering, as it often does, and my thoughts drifted to a girl named Stephanie that I knew in middle and high school. I knew a little bit about her (my graduating class was pretty small, around 250 students, and since most of us had gone to school together since middle school, there were few strangers), but we weren't friends. iAnyway, sometime around senior year, she would say 'hi' to me everytime that we would pass each other in the hallway as well as other little interactions like that. Again, since we had known each other for a while without very much communication I thought that this was a bit odd, but I was too stupid to realize what was going on. It was only after a friend of mine started dating a friend of hers that her friend informed me of how extensive Steph's crush was on me. I don't know if we would have had any chemistry together, but I would have dated her if she had asked me out, or if I weren't so oblivious and had realized "what time it was", as Flavor Flav would say. So that got me thinking about some of the times when I rejected a girl who asked me out or expressed an interest in me.

I guess the first one was a girl named Jamie in 6th grade. One day I opened my locker to find a note from a "secret admirer". Like any smart 12 year old, I quickly realized that this was prime teasing material and disposed of it as quickly as possible. More notes arrived, some quite elaborate, and I continued to be more annoyed than intrigued. At one point a girl named Tory (I think that was her name) asked me about the notes, saying that she had seen someone put something in my locker, or some story like that. I was smart enough to realize how suspicious that story sounded, but my stupidity won out as I couldn't quite connect all of the dots. If I remember correctly, this culminated with a note asking me to rendezvous at the drinking fountain at a certain time, an appointment which I did not keep. So somehow Jamie revealed that she was my secret admirer (the connection with Tory was that she was Jaime's best friend) and I flatly told her that I was not interested. I really don't remember the details of the 'reveal', but I still feel badly for I must have handled it with all of the tact of an annoyed 12 year old boy.

Next was Jody. This was a far more casually expressed interest; the kind that would have led to the week long courtship typical of 6th or 7th grade. However, she was pretty aggressive and had at least a little bit of a "reputation". To be quite honest, I was more intimidated by her than anything else.

In 8th grade there was another girl named Stephanie who flirted with me for a bit and then asked me out. I don't remember the details, again probably out of shame for the way I acted, but I remember that my decision was based more on how I thought I would be perceived by "the guys" if I went out with her rather than my own feelings about her. I also remember that the way she asked me out ended up being semi-public. It's weird how memories get so jumbled up and you can't be sure what is real, but I'm pretty sure that I saw her a few years later (while I was still in high school) in the mall with a baby that was presumably hers.

Also in 8th grade I got into a very heavy flirtation with a girl named Jessica. I was very attracted to her and really wanted to go out with her, but I just couldn't gather up the confidence to ask her out and she never asked me out. I did end up calling her over the summer, but she wasn't around and my message was never returned. Sadly, during freshmen year she had sex with this guy and it quickly spread around school (I really think that the guy just kind of let it slip out and didn't mean for it to spread the way it did) and she soon left school. I have no idea where she went or what happened to her.

Also in 7th or 8th grade I was asked out by a girl named Julie. I remember sitting next to her in homeroom and she used to talk to me a lot. I knew that she liked me, but I had no interest in her. I had at least a little bit of sense back then and tried not to lead her on, but ultimately she called me and asked me out and I said 'no' because I just wasn't interested.

So after all of these rejections, the girl that made me see the error of my ways was Becki. She asked me to the 8th grade "prom". She was in all of my classes, but I didn't really know her and I wasn't really attracted to her. So I said no. I guess she figured that a "prom" might not be my thing, so she then asked me out on a regular date, to which I also said no. Anyway, the next year in high school we had several classes together and just happened to sit next to each other in a couple of them. We talked a lot and after getting to know her I realized that she was really cool and I found myself far more physically attracted to her than I was before. I never could quite figure out a way to try and apologize and let her know that I was interested in dating her, but at least I had learned my lesson.

Interestingly, the two most serious relationships I've had have also been the result of girls asking me out, and Marissa's proposal has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

*The subject line refers to the (roughly) three year period when I was forsaken by Cupid. Having gone through that, I am very happy for Zach and his new girlfriend.

She Blinded Me with Science

2006-08-24T15:51:22Z

Carl Sagan begins The Demon Haunted World with an anecdote about his encounter with a cab driver. The cab driver, upon learning that Sagan is "that scientist guy", begins to ask Carl many questions about the nature of the world around him. To Sagan's dismay, the questions touch on the subjects of aliens, astrology, crystals and other metaphysical topics. The cab driver is interested in the world around him, but his interest is "misguided", or so say us scientists.

I couldn't help but be reminded of this passage after seeing the huge response of the media to the meeting of the International Astronomical Union. The astronomers were debating the criteria that makes an object a planet and the debate was covered online, in many newspapers, on NPR and even on The Colbert Report. The debate is not completely moot. If we are to use the word "planet" to describe an object, we should have a clear definition and criteria to ascertain if the object is in fact a planet or not. However, the definition of the word "planet" is largely irrelevant to science. The important questions have to do with the formation and evolution of the planet and its geophysics, geochemistry and more. It is a bit frustrating to see so much attention being focused on this relatively insignificant topic when, concurrently, direct evidence for dark matter has been reported. Unfortunately, the dark matter story, which is far more significant, only managed to be a small blip on the radar screen, its signal swamped by the "planet" story.

It is understandable why the planet story has drawn so much attention. Most people don't remember much from science class, but the nine planets is a "fact" that most people remember long after they leave the classroom. Also, most people don't pursue science very much after high school, so they probably aren't aware of the fact that the definition of the world "planet" is largely inconsequential to the science of astronomy. Isn't it interesting that there hasn't been a push since the 1990's to "teach the controversy" about Pluto being a planet?

Damn you, Bill Buckner

2006-03-11T04:52:31Z

This week Marissa has been in Boulder looking at the University of Colorado. She was very pleased with what she saw, so of course today I received a rejection letter from Colorado. I'm a little shocked right now. I did expect this based on how late into the application process it had gotten without hearing an acceptance, but I'm still a little upset because, though my grades might not have been the best, I've shown that I can be a PhD student. Shouldn't that make me more qualified than most of the students fresh out of undergrad? I've wanted to cry all day, but I haven't been able to. This process has been very emotional and I need that release.

So we have a very difficult decision ahead of us. I've thought (and will still consider) leaving my program here and moving out to Colorado, perhaps to reapply next year. However, I'm starting to think that might not be the best idea. I'm so close to finishing right now that I'd really just like to plow through and get my degree. Earning the PhD is important to me, even if I decide to take a career where it isn't really necessary; it's just something that I want. There are still a few other options, though they don't look promising right now. I still haven't heard from Arizona, but Marissa hasn't heard back after her interview, so we both may be rejected there. I've been accepted to K-State, but they have a smallish stipend, so with all of the other negatives associated with Kansas, the financial strain caused by the commute is just another nail in the coffin. I suppose there is still Tennessee, if Marissa ever hears from them, but even that has uncertainty as neither of us knows if the labs we are interested in have any openings.

So it looks like each of us is going to have to weigh the relationship (for a few years, anyway) against a career. It sucks so much that we have to make a decision like that. It took me years to find Marissa and now she might go away and it was a struggle to get where I am in academia right now, and I may have to postpone that, too. I just don't know about life sometimes . . . ok, all of the time.

Right now I think Marissa will go to Colorado and I'll stay here and I'll try and meet up with her in two years. But I'm a pessimist and was trained to be so starting back in the fall of '86.

The Hermit Sketch

2006-02-21T20:23:53Z

I am in a very misanthropic mood today. Just the sight of another person annoys me. Fortunately, these fits have become far less frequent over the years, but I do have moments when I feel that being a hermit might not be so bad. I do want to see Marissa, which is a relief. When I was younger I was concerned that I'd never be able to deal with marriage because I have these moods. I'm happy that some people are exempt from my moodiness. Over the years, these moods have taken a toll on other people, however. There is a reason why I don't have very many friends, particularly friends from high school or earlier. These moods did play a part in driving them away, or for me to drive myself away. Perhaps the weirdest thought that comes to me when I feel like this is that the human experience seems so foreign to me. When I was younger I used to think that the wrong soul, for lack of a better term, was placed in my body; that my soul would have fit much better in some animal or something. Don't worry, I'm not saying that I'm a furry or anything like that, just that the way we behave perplexes me.

I'm finishing up the grading for my lab that meets tomorrow. The students are going to be pissed at me. It was a very short and easy lab, but there weren't any calculations, so they asked me what they should include in their lab reports. I told them some things, but of course not everything. Now that I'm grading the labs, I see that some people only did what I told them to do. So we will see how many people bitch at me for taking points off for things I didn't tell them explicitly that they needed to do (but they would have had to do them in any other lab; I'm not that heartless ... Ok, I am, but I still wouldn't do that). I just know that most people thought this was going to be an easy A and they will be upset when they see that they didn't get that A.

Oh to be Prince Caspian

2006-02-18T04:16:10Z

So there isn't any news on the grad school front, for me at least. Marissa was oficially accepted to Colorado and she seems to be really enjoying her trip to Arizona. I sent an e-mail to Colorado informing them that Marissa was accepted, in a subtle attempt to sway my application status, but I haven't heard back from them yet. It might not even matter, the final decision may have already been made. I am so stressed out about all of this. If you didn't know me, you would never guess that I am already in a position to get my PhD. But being with Marissa is that important. Hopefully I'll hear some good news soon or maybe we can use her acceptance (and hopefully one at Arizona) as leverage for me.

Today I was thinking that I'm glad that I'm not a father because I don't think I'm ready to be a dad. This is an odd thought because I've always felt that if I had chosen a different career path (and thus wasn't a poor grad student) that I would be ready to be dad. I really felt that it was just the financial and unmarried situation that prevented me from considering fatherhood right now. However, I think I'm still a bit too selfish with my time right now. Well, at least it's not an issue right now.

Update

2006-02-13T05:42:19Z

Well, I've been accepted to the Universty of Tennessee. I feel a little better having been accepted somewhere (especially since the turn-around between the time they received my application and sent out the acceptance letter was very short), but Tennessee doesn't really excite me. The physics department is pretty much equal to William and Mary's (since I am switching schools, I might as well try and get into a better program) and, well, Tennessee sounds like a scary place to my Yankee ears.

I must mention that it was the oddest acceptance I've ever received. First, I have had no contact at all with the physics department. I've tried to contact potential advisors at all of the schools I've applied to, but didn't hear anything from Tennessee. The acceptance letter was only from the graduate school. I didn't even get a welcome from the physics department, nevermind a mention about funding (or lack thereof) or who to contact for a visit. It is quite odd. Anyway, I'm not really going to think about it until I hear from other schools and/or Marissa hears from Tennessee.

Grumble, Grumble

2006-02-09T17:15:51Z

Since I couldn't link my subject line

Hmm, I hadn't realized that it had been so long since I last updated. Maybe that will change, but more likely this will turn out to be an isolated update.

I decided to write this because I've been furiously checking my e-mail and certain websites. The news I am searching for is information about my application status to various grad schools across the nation. Yes, I am currently a doctoral candidate and I am not having any problems with my department or my adviser. However, Marissa will be going off to grad school next year and, since we'd like to live together (and get engaged), I've decided to see if I can change schools to be with her. With each passing day my confidence weakens. I would think that I'd be an attractive candidate given the progress I've already made towards a Ph.D., but I have no idea what the departments will think about my application. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I know that Colorado is already reviewing applications. I've tried not to get my hopes up, but I really do want to go to Colorado. I think Arizona would be cool, too. After that my enthusiasm falls off drastically, and the other schools would really have to impress me on my visit. The worst part of this is that Marissa has already received interview requests from Colorado and Arizona. She deserves to be able to go to one of those great programs and I don't want to be the reason why she has to go to a lesser school, or not go to grad school at all, which I am very much against.

I need to get back to making a few Power Point slides so that I don't get kicked out of the school that I am in.

There's an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin

2005-06-04T03:47:59Z

I've been feeling pretty blue today. It's nothing serious, just a passing mood. Tonight I went for a walk since those usually make me feel better. I walked by the bars and I had a slight impulse to be there, but it quickly went away. Last year I had that impulse a lot, though almost everytime I went to the bars I didn't have a very good time. I was looking for something there that just didn't exist for me. So it was nice to walk by there tonight and to realize that what I was looking for wasn't there, and that I have what I'm looking for, even if she is temporarily in the Midwest.

I'll be getting a haircut soon, which I desperately need. However, I'm pretty close to being able to have a pretty rockin' mullet. There is a part of me that would like to have a kick ass mullet, just for the fun of it.

Back in the 'Burgh

2005-05-26T01:29:12Z

I've been on the road the past few days. Marissa is doing an REU in Kansas and she and I drove out. I just flew back to VA today. The trip went very well and it was a great way to say goodbye to her for a couple of months. I took the train up to her house on Saturday and we went to dinner with her parents. The drive and search for parking reminded me why I hated living there. I spent the rest of the night helping/watching her pack.

We hit the road on Sunday morning, a bit later than I probably would have planned, but at about the expected time for the two of us given that we didn't set the alarm clock. The first day went well as we drove through the scenic Appalachian area and we stopped in Cambridge, Ohio. It wasn't much of a town, but we still enjoyed our hotel stay there. I was surprised to see how abruptly the DC urbal sprawl ends. Northern Virginia is the most dense suburban area I've ever seen, but it doesn't really taper off. It just goes very quickly from huge strip malls to horse farms.

The next day was a long one. We drove all the way to the outskirts of St. Louis in some very small town in Illinois that neither of us could imagine living in. We were less impressed with this hotel, but still managed to have fun and take a dip in the hot tub until a family from Wisconsin came.

The last leg of the trip required us to traverse Missouri. Since we were doing well on time, we decided to stop in St. Louis. We were very unimpressed with the city. It seems to have the same problems as a lot of the older cities, but is lacking the rejuvination that a lot of cities are experiencing. We stopped by a Wendy's and Marissa saw a cockroach on the counter and in the booth next to us was a little girl who was unsupervised and had no toys or any other stimulation. We think she was one of the employee's daughter, but it made us sad. We quickly said good bye to St. Louis and continued on our way. I was saved from death by Marissa's windshield as a truck kicked up some stone, but the brave windshield suffered a flesh wound, which unfortunately will still be expensive to fix. We also noticed that Missouri, home of John Ashcroft, had a porn store every couple of exits and that the gas station/convenience stores not only sold hard liquor, but also had drive through windows where you could purchase beer. I'm getting so sick of middle America trying to morally corrupt this nation. Finally we arrived in Kansas City and had a great Mexican dinner and enjoyed our last night together.

I thought the trip went very well. Despite the fact that we spent so much time together, and only brief interactions with other people, I did not yearn to be alone at all. Marissa might have felt different. I still get fidgety in long car trips and I was probably annoying her with my bad jokes and other things, but she didn't seem to be too exasperated with me. When we said goodbye at the airport this morning, I started to tear up. I actually happy that I did. I love her very much and I know that I will miss her very much, but all during the trip it never really "hit me" that we were going to be apart for so long. I knew that I would miss her, but I guess I was hoping that I have a more visceral reaction. So I'm glad that I cried, I wanted that strong emotion to show that I do feel that deeplt for her.

So that was my trip.

Alone Again, Naturally

2005-05-14T01:51:58Z

At least temporarily.

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was Marissa's last day here until she comes back in the fall. We were able to spend the last few days together and it was very nice. She also took me out to dinner and I ate a lot, probably because of all of the moving she made me do. I'm going to miss her a lot. This past school year was a such a surprise, our relationship turned out to be exactly what I had been wanting for a long time now. I'm very glad that we still have another year together before she goes off to grad school, I really like that our relationship doesn't need to be rushed in any way. I think I may miss Marissa as a friend more than as a lover. It seems that we are each other's best friend, and that is one of the things that means so much to me. I apologize for the haphazard structure of this paragraph, but I don't feel like crafting it into a more acceptable specimen of the English language.

Yesterday was also a big day in the lab. We finally got our vacuum system (mostly) up. It's a small step in the grand scheme, but it is still progress and it is exciting in a nerdy way. It did remind me of why I enjoy experimental physics. There were lots of wrenches and bolts and a little drilling; it feels good to do slightly "manly" work.

The weather over the past few days has been gorgeous. It reminded me of summer in Connecticut (unlike summer here which is like living in Hell's zip code). I have such fond memories of summer as a kid, particularly swimming in the pool with my brother, playing baseball and riding my bike with my friend Brian Wood down to Zips, the local convenience store, to buy Garbage Pail Kids/Baseball Cards/candy. Anyway, the feeling of being outside, including the smells, the past few days have reminded me of those great days.

It's about that time to bring forth the rythym and the rhyme

2005-05-08T05:57:47Z

Yes that subject is from C&C Music Factory and yes I could continue that lyric from memory. I am a sad sad man.

So I guess I should update this thing. The school year is pretty much over, I just have some grading to finish up. In a way, this marks the end of my career as a student. I no longer have to take any more classes, at least for credit. I'm pretty excited about that. I imagine that I'll take a class or two (even Profs sit in on classes occasionally), but knowing that I don't have to deal with homework and tests again is nice. It's also a little scary. Though I did spend some time in the "real world", it is odd to think that I've spent most of my 27 years as a "student" and now it is over. Though I still have about 3 years left before I get my degree, the "school year" no longer has much meaning to me; it's just research from here on out.

This weekend I was able to spend a good amount of time with Marissa. It was wonderful, I've missed spending time with her. About the only thing we did was go to see "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (it was pretty good, not as funny as the book, but not bad), but it was still wonderful to just spend time with her and be close to her again. She has been really stressed out about the end of the year, particularly her Biostats class. She ended up doing well, despite worries that she was going to fail because she didn't get the right answer. I probably would've felt the same way back when I was an undergrad. Our system of education is a bit odd; we spend so long conditioning students to think that they are doing well only if they get everything correct. It wasn't until grad school that I learned to accept the fact that I didn't know everything and that I could still show that I had a good grasp of the concepts that I was taught even though I didn't get nearly every question on the exam/homework correct. I really think that should filter down through undergrad and even high school. Instead of creating tests and homework to see if the students mastered what they've been spoonfed, we should really try and push the students to see if the students can regurgitate everything they've been taught, I think it'd be better to see to what extent they can apply their learning. I think it would help kids focus on learning rather than getting good grades. Eventually I'll post my rant about the piss-poor way the US educational system approaches mathematics in particular, but I'll stop here for tonight.

Anyway, Marissa will be leaving soon. I think that, at first, I'll enjoy the time alone. I'll probably play a lot of video games and veg out watching TV, but I think after a week or two of that I'll start to miss her very much. It will be good practice since, if we stay together, which I hope we do, we will be spending a long time apart while she goes to grad school and I'm still here. She has mentioned that she thinks some good things can come from a long-distance relationship. I don't disagree, but I know that I find a long-distance relationship less satisfying than a close-distance one and would only engage in a long-distance relationship if I knew that eventually the distance would be significantly shortened.

So yeah, that's it for tonight.

When $120,000 isn't enough

2005-04-26T03:28:02Z

I keep getting stuff from Colgate in the mail. Most of it is because my five year anniversary is this year. Part of the reason it annoys me is because I hate being reminded that I graduated 5 years ago. The time has passed incredibly quickly and it makes me a little scared. I do try and heed Simon and Garfunkle's advice, but I still wish there were a pause button on life, so it didn't pass by so quickly.

The other issue with my 5 year reunion is that it makes me feel old. I'm not a big believer in the idea that the "media" (whatever that term is supposed to mean) is the predominant force shaping our views and opinions, but I can't help but consider the possibility. The thing that might be more detrimental to my psyche is when I read about famous physicists who had an amazing discovery (in science, not an infomercial) when they were younger than I am now. However, my career as a physicist is a topic to be covered in more detail soon. For now I need to remember that 27 is not old.

Lastly, they need to stop asking me for money. They aren't getting, so they should stop wasting my time and theirs.

It takes two to tango

2005-04-24T02:27:47Z

This past week has been an interesting one. I was pretty successful in taking care of a lot of odds and ends (errand-type stuff) which lifted a small weight from my shoulders. However, I wasn't so successful in dealing with school work and I will be paying for it all of this week, including tomorrow when I must some how find a way to finish my paper on this article. But the most important event of the week was all of Marissa's appointments. Though there are still some issues we are waiting to hear about, it seems like things turned out (relatively) OK. I have been quite impressed with how strong she is. I think she might have dealt with all of this better than I have. I know if I were going through all of this that I would be a wreck. I would have a very hard time concentrating on my work and will just be in a perpetual funk. At least for a little while. Anyway, the point is I am quite impressed with her, as I always am.

We were able to have some fun this week. Last night we went to King and Queen's which is some ball or formal or dance or something like that. I wasn't too sure that I'd enjoy myself, but I ended up having a lot of fun. It had been a long time since I had been dancing (several years) and it showed. I've never been the best dancer, but Marissa had to reprimand me for not dancing with the beat of the song. She was right, I was just kind of bopping around not paying too much attention to the music. It was very crowded and it seemed that we found the heaviest traffic areas to dance in, but it was still very nice. I found it interesting that I had such a huge upwelling of feelings for her while we were at this dance. It was one of those Eureeka type moments; a realization that you see an extremely bright future with this person. You'd almost expect such a moment to occur after a long heart-to-heart or some other event that carries a bit more "gravity", but most times it seems to occur in the little moments.

A great end to the week.

Loneliness is Such a Drag

2005-04-13T04:14:11Z

Yeah, I went a little overboard with the classic rock quotes

I ran into one of my friends today. We don't have any classes together and she works over at Jefferson Lab, so I don't see her very much. She is having a hard time dealing with things right now. Most of her sadness seems to stem from not having a significant other in her life right now. As I understand it, she has been pretty unlucky in love most of her life and I think frustration is setting in. I do give her a lot of credit, she has made an effort to go out and meet people, but she just hasn't had much luck. She is now at the point where she is really considering leaving the program (hmm, that sounded like we're in a cult, which I guess isn't too far off) because she is so unhappy.

Talking with her, I felt that I should give her some advice or some encouragement, but I didn't know what to say, which is ironic since I've gone through the very same thing a few times in my life. I, too, have been lonely to the point of depression. I've found it difficult to concentrate on other facets of my life when my (lack of a) romantic life was making me upset. The only advice I could give her was the lame "hang in there". I just told her to continue making an effort and eventually things will change.

I suppose that may be the best advice, but on the other hand it may be indicative of the fact that I still don't have a solution to the problem. I know that if things didn't work out with Marissa, I would probably eventually be back in the same boat I was before. I don't always need to be in a relationship, but when the natural unit of the time between girlfriends is years, my disposition ain't too sunny. So I wonder, "am I needy a person?". I don't know. I don't need to go from one girlfriend immediately to another, yet, eventually, I have a hard time finding happiness if I'm not with someone. Is it a bad thing to need someone else? I can see the argument for 'yes'. As the saying goes, you come into the world alone and leave it alone, so you can't depend on someone else for your happiness. However, how many people actually make it through life alone? I don't know any hermits. Anyway . . .

The People's Physicist

2005-04-12T03:05:03Z

Today I attended the Phi Beta Kappa lecture, since it was a physics talk. I honestly don't know what the significance of the PBK lecture is, but I figured that since Phi Beta Kappa was started here, that the speaker would be quite good. The speaker was Wojciech H. Zurek and he spoke about the role of probability in quantum mechanics. In fact, the lecture was titled: "Probabilities In Physics: Demons, Randomness, Ignorance, Chance, And The Second Law Of Thermodynamics".

I know a good amount about this topic and the talk was aimed at a general audience, but sometimes, if the speaker is good, you can still learn a little something, especially how to explain the concepts simply, from such a talk. Unfortunately, the speaker was not very good.

As I said, I think I know a fair amount about the topics he discussed, yet I left the talk a little confused and disappointed since neither Maxwell's Demon or the Second Law of Thermodynamics (see the lecture title) were mentioned. I couldn't help but think that the talk just wan't tailored very well to a general audience. This seems to be a problem with some speakers. I remember last year we had a speaker come to talk about Thin Films (this was a talk aimed at the level of probably 1st year grad students). Only a small sub-section of physicists use or care about thin films. Some of us (me) hardly know anything about them. Yet this speaker hurtled headlong into the details of thin films without even mentioning what a thin film was or why you would want to use one. It should also be noted that he was an industrial physicist.

This is one of the reasons why I wish to be a professor and to teach undergraduates, even a course for non-majors. Firstly, I think it is important to be able to explain the concepts of physics in a way such that non-physicists can understand. I am of the school of thought that you don't really understand physics unless you can explain it (more or less, depending on the complexity of the topic) to a non-scientist, and in many cases a child. Secondly, after reading about things like this clearly indicate that we need more people willing to educate the public about science. This is one of the reasons that I respect Richard Feynman so much. His published lectures for CalTech's intro physics course show such an amazing ability to convey the principles of physics in such an understandable manner, yet he still was able to being one of the leading physicists of his time; he wasn't just an educator. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if that was one of the only times he taught undergrads. Of course, I am nowhere as brilliant as Feynman, but I do hope to be able to give good public lectures on physics one day.

So it's come to this . . .

2005-04-11T04:15:48Z

I don't know what this journal will become, if anything. I remember when my friend Andrew decided to start a journal a few years ago (in the pre-blog days of antiquity). He was quite excited by the whole process, but I didn't think it was for me. There is just something about having my thoughts and feelings recorded that makes me feel uncomfortable. On the few occasions that I have done that, I often feel very dissatisfied with what I had written. My thoughts aren't nearly as profound, insightful and well thought-out as I had thought they were and I'm embarrassed at how silly some of my feelings were. This problem seems to pervade all of my writings. I would like to write someday, not as a career and I might not even seek out publication, but for my own benefit. Yet no matter how pleased I may be with my writing after I first put down my pen, time never seems to be very kind and I return to something quite trite.

So this journal could be an experiment. It could be a reality check. None of us are as brilliant (consistently brilliant, anyway) as we think we are and we are all foolish; there is no need for me to hide these things from myself.